Kahlil Gibran once said, in speaking of child-raising, "You may give them your love but not your thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you." Now, I am not a parent thus I have no need nor am qualified to counsel parents. However, I think any sane person would agree that Gibran's statement is so true. In my last post, I opened up about some of my personal struggles and how I have learned to cope with them. What I didn't do is tell you how my struggles directly came about.
I think that just about every parent in this world, whether openly or secretively, want their children to be a lot like themselves. It's human. Now, though this may be true, I didn't say it was right. We are all born with some sort of predisposition. Some are good and some are bad. The drive to push your children to participate in things for your benefit and satisfaction is wrong. I was raised with the best of 'em. My father excelled in sports, was always a "ladies man" in high school, and thus I grew up watching ESPN and hearing pointless rants and raves at a television screen during football season. But me? I hated it.
Though I hated playing baseball and football, despised baseball cards and sports trivia, longed to watch a television show of my own instead of the bore of sports television, I was pushed so hard, whether deliberately or unknowingly to participate. I approached my father several times, telling him I wished to quit the team. His angered response:"But you love practice! I can see that you love playing! No. You are not a quitter. You really do like it." One thing my father and many parents out there do not realize is that each time you push your child into doing something they truly despise doing for your benefit is bumping up their depression level a little bit more each time.
What happens when that depression level peaks? You will find yourself in a therapist's office, or in my case, a hospital being treated for depression. Don't get me wrong, it seems I have painted this picture of my father being a horrible father and that is absolutely untrue. He and my mother were amazing parents growing up, and still are. But that one faction of his personality was terrible. Sadly, it took me getting very ill for him to reverse that mindset. Today, I have some of the most supportive parents in the world. I'm "out" to them, and they love and support me 100%. Does that former mindset spark up every now and then? Of course. Just as my eating disorder mindset will always be tucked in the back of my brain, so will his controlling mindset be. However, we learn how to deal with it and stop it in its tracks whenever it does arise.
The main point of this post is to remind people, whether you are a parent or not, that trying to control someone's life will not work. It ends in disaster and it is not healthy. The worst thing your child can hear are phrases like "He's a chip off the old block" or "He's a carbon copy of you!" It does not create a healthy fruition of self-identification and purpose. Again, I am not "giving parental advice" necessarily. Today's story was an example of someone trying to mold another individual into what they personally wanted them to be.
Good Thoughts,
Will
Bravo Will.... Although I love my boys dearly, I do not know where they came from. I encouraged them, supported them, loved them- but one thing I didn't do is "control" them. I know I got lucky with having such wonderful children. And when they were small, I taught them furiously what I thought was the correct thing- but as they grew, they had to learn on their own, which was a hard thing for a mother to watch. But the truth is, we all are still learning, still growing, still making mistakes.... We should do our best with our children and that means sometimes letting them go and walk the path of life just as we do. In return we graduate from just "parent" to "friend". If we are very lucky.
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